I have been busy for the past 9 months, doing what I must do and what I am expected to do. I have achieved what I need and proved enough to be confident with myself. There are many reasons why I chose to do this. I must say, there are some last minute emotions involved, some irrational considerations and some pride.
You see, I've been torn since the day I knew I had to choose. I don't like the "learning" environment, I don't like the way they expect me to work. A lot of the things I do depends on what sort of impressions I can maintain with the people high up. I am new in the field, too new to not make mistakes. Too new to be thrown deep into the mud and not offered much guidance. I know, that I won't last long in this environment and it is only a matter of time I fly my way.
But I also understand that they are the big boys in the arena. It's a stupid thing to do to go against them and burn my bridges. I know that they can provide me the work I want to do (as long as they are happy with me). The problem I have is that what I want to do is rather niche in the market. It's not something everybody can offer. And so happen, these big boys play the game.
Yes, I thought of trying out for the sake of the interest. I thought of going through the harsh treatment. But a big part of me is afraid of it, afraid that one day, after 10 years, I suddenly wake up and realise I'm actually still stuck in the same puddle of mud, being toyed with like a puppet. What will I get at the end of the road? No life, no family, no friends and no happiness? Is it all worth it?
So I decided, let's test the waters. I will request for something, something they normally don't want to give. I want to see how much they can do for me. What can I expect of them? Can I expect even 50% of what I've contributed? Therefore, I offered a deal. A simple condition, a requirement which is beneficial to both of us. I get the time I need and you'll get a ready-to-sacrifice-me.
But you know the result. I lost. If you ask me if I regret what I've done, maybe. I should have just rejected it earlier on. Save the worries and save their space. Save the mess too. I am saying this with the benefit of hindsight. If I knew things will be so complicated, I'd make it easier for all.
Ah well, I'll learn my lesson soon enough. I'm sure I'll have to pay for what I've done. Maybe I can't find anywhere to go and had to go back? Well, you can laugh at me then. For now, let me be stubborn.
